Take the Next Exit
When Friendships Run Out of Road
The Detour
Today I hung up on a friend. She brought up politics yet again, even when she knows our politics do not align. She wanted to see what I thought about recent national events. But not really, she wanted to tell ME what she thought about them. I told her what I usually say to get out of these conversations, “I don’t watch the news.” or “I don’t really follow politics.” A few moments later she launched into her (usual) rant about vaccines and “research” (translation: Joe Rogan and Google) and I just… couldn’t do it anymore. I’d spent an entire Sunday working on a psychiatric unit as a psychotherapist and I was fried. I told her so and that I wasn’t interested in her research because she wasn’t an immunologist or any kind of doctor or scientist. When she kept going, I hung up. Then I blocked and deleted her.
Yes, I know the irony here. Just last week I wrote about pausing, pivoting, and staying in the conversation. But sometimes the recalculation isn’t about staying. Sometimes it’s about finally taking the exit ramp.
I’d been biting my tongue around her for quite a while. Smiling, nodding, keeping the peace. But I finally had to face the truth, I don’t respect her choices, and she doesn’t respect mine. I had also been more and more inauthentic around her, swallowing my distaste, pretending to be okay with things I wasn’t because we were friends, as I had mistakenly thought that’s what friends do.
The Recalculation
Friendship isn’t meant to be a life sentence. Some people are with us for a reason, others for a season. If the season has passed, the most respectful thing you can do for yourself (and them) is acknowledge it. When you keep things around past their season, they go bad: food, clothes and yes, sometimes people. You don’t have to justify, explain, or keep showing up for conversations that drain you. Recalculation sometimes means moving forward on your own road.
The Tool
When you realize a friendship is draining you and you no longer wish to continue it, you don’t owe anyone a dramatic explanation.
You can simply say:
“I don’t think I have the bandwidth to keep showing up in this friendship the way I used to.”
That’s it. Clean, honest, and final.
If you want to soften it, you can always add:
“I’ll always wish you well.”
And if you’ve already hung up on someone and you don’t want to rehash it or get into a circular argument, let the hang-up be the sign you’re no longer hanging on. You’ve let go.
From the Front Seat
“When one cannot live without dishonoring oneself, it becomes a duty to walk away.”
--Anais Nin
And, of course, I caved and now have the app!
I’ve been on the receiving end of one of these friendship “break-up” texts. In the moment, it hurts. Sure does. But as you say, some are here for a reason and others for a season. How I chose to remember the friendship was the important part for me. Over time, I let go of my bitterness and remembered the great memories that it gave me during that season of my life. I do believe it’s a conscious choice how we look back on these relationships and time will heal most wounds.